Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
