I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
i now understand why vodka
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
