I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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