And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
