Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
