I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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