my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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