pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
what day is it and did you see me today?
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
