There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
