So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
