Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
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