Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
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