textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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