Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
