I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
