He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Randomize
