She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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