dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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