when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
last night I used snow as a chaser
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
