I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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