I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Randomize
