in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
