so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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