He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
