@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
