my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
