I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
