I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
