Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
