Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
