I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
