Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
