I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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