I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
