i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Randomize
