i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
