When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
