Whatcha textin bout Willis?
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
As shirtless as possible
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
