The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
