Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
