I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
