Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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