She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
