Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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