I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
