considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
