I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
