I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Randomize
