my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
