Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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