I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
