Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
