i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Randomize
