Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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