My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
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I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
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finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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