my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
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